Archive for July, 2006

stupid candida test

Posted on July 31, 2006. Filed under: Candida, The Dyingness |

I just had my candida recheck done (with koru testing). Last time, which I think was about 3 months ago, the number had come down from 72 to 64 — a great improvement, but not quite there. Well, it now came down to 63. 😦 I’m never going to get this thing under control. I might as well just get used to feeling like death for the rest of my life.

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a life-changing day a year ago today

Posted on July 30, 2006. Filed under: The boy(s) |

Brian and I first started dating at Queen’s at the beginning of third year until the beginning of fourth year. We then broke up — well, he broke up with me and we didn’t talk much for months and then started to hook up before both leaving for our post-university lives. We stayed in touch through other relationships, living in different places, and I happened to be there coincidentally (back from Vancouver for Christmas I think) when he broke up with his recent girlfriend. Then he stood me up one day, huge — as in left and went to another city and didn’t mention to let me know. And so I thought about it and sent him a one line email to the affect of:

Please do not contact me ever again.


A year passed and he slowly started to email me and I ignored the first few — they were around my birthday when I was working for the evil company and couldn’t believe that he had the odacity to email and to preach the fact that I should be more forgiving (or at least that’s how it came across). I continued to ignore the emails for months and then, upon breaking up with Aron I decided that Brian really was there for me a lot and that we did enjoy each other’s company and so I emailed him back and told him we could email, but not talk on the phone.

Eventually, last summer, a few months after emailing, he was in Toronto and we met up. And all I wanted, more than anything was for him to kiss me. I could feel some sort of electricty as I walked beside him and as we sat in the movie theatre.

He left for Europe, and came back to hang out a few more times and then left for Arizona again.

Then, a year ago today, on his way back he wrote me a beautiful email (though at the time I didn’t believe it) about how he was driving in the wrong direction and loved me.

I, of course, didn’t believe him for months, but really wanted to. And now, it all seems quite romantic. This lead to my first trip to Arizona, our beautiful Christmas together and, eventually to our relationship together.

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week of stress is over

Posted on July 29, 2006. Filed under: Candida, The Dyingness, Travelling |

I was a bit MIA this past week in life, in mind, in body and in spirit. But, the next week or two appears to be more calm and, once I can get unpacked, I will be way more organized (or at least as organized as I can be, being me).

I also get to have my candida re-tested on Monday. Fingers crossed that the number is way down, or indicates that it is at least within the “normal” range. Then maybe I can test the waters with reintroducing some things…though I don’t know what I’d like to reintroduce? I’m pretty sure things like decadent chocolate cake and gooey pizza pizza are off the menu for all eternity, so then really, what’s left? I’ve actually discovered a lot of foods on this thing that I really enjoy — but being able to eat out a bit more occasionally would be nice. As would travelling without concern of what is in the food — hopefully by the time we get to Thailand I won’t have to be worried about it — especially since I likely won’t be able to ask them about the food with any clarity.

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the myth of you and me

Posted on July 28, 2006. Filed under: Books, Quotes |

I’ve had an affinity for the main character of The Myth of You and Me because we seem so similar in so many ways. Then I heard this quote and it described me to a tee:

“You’re not a realist. You are a dreamer who doesn’t believe in the dream.”
The Myth of You and Me by Leah Stewart

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Posted on July 27, 2006. Filed under: The boy(s) |

Brian’s coming home for a couple of days for a job interview! Yay! At first I was sad because I didn’t think I’d be able to see him, but now I might take another day off (I ahve Monday off because we were supposed to move THIS weekend, not LAST) and this will be good too for the state of my mental and physical health at the moment!

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no one seems to be having a good day lately

Posted on July 26, 2006. Filed under: Candida, Family, School, Stats, The Dyingness |

Yesterday I had one of those frustrating, stuck in traffic, try to do my homework and the power goes out so I have to try to do it in the dark, still don’t have time or energy to unpack kind of days.

Today was no different, only I was more tired. Exhausted really and my eyes were burning and my tongue is disgusting. I showed a friend today and she said that she’d never seen anything like it before — and I said “no, neither have the doctors” (enter sarcasm here).

I got my assigment back in class and am no longer brilliant. I didn’t know what I was doing, and only got 50% — haven’t had one of those in ages, but somehow they only come out when math is involved.

I also tried to buy an Airport Card for my mac because now that we’re at the new house we were supposed to be saying goodbye to evil dial up. Well, the G4 iMac only supports the original Airport Card as far as I can tell (not Extreme or Express) and there are some Mac/PC USB drives I could get, but I’m hesitant because they will take up a port….anyway, the Mac guy was helpful at the store and he told me to look on eBay, and so I found one there….though I haven’t bid and I’m not sure that I will. Do you have any suggestions? Any products that you find work well? It’s just an extra frustration that I really don’t need. And I should be doing homework and studying for the test that’s on Thursday — the one that is based on the 50% assignment, but I was just too flustered and my head hurts and I just wanted to not have to use my brain for a little while so instead you get to “listen” to my complaining.

Oh, and since they changed my certificate requirements at Ryerson, I had a look at the changes today — and, though they claim that I can continue with the original program, they eliminated a course from existance…so now I have to find out what to replace it with.

On the bright side, the pain my side wasn’t there today… perhaps it moved to my tongue? Oh, and I just realized that I didn’t make lunch for tomorrow yet. Damn. You know those days when all you want to do is come home and have no one to answer to — just go to your room and do what you’d like…well, today is one of them. I apologize for the incoherent rambling and I’m sure that you really don’t care, but I feel better, so thanks!!

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my tongue

Posted on July 25, 2006. Filed under: Candida, The Dyingness |

My tongue is ripped to shreds, and it freakin’ hurts. Seriously, doctors should be fighting over me to figure out this medical mystery.

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the good life?

Posted on July 24, 2006. Filed under: Books, Family |

I finished listening to The Good Life by Jay McInerney last week. It took me a while to get into it because I really didn’t care about the characters living the rich life in NYCat first. I then realized that you aren’t supposed to because, not too far into the story the World Trade Centre comes down and you are instantly bonded to the characters in an almost haunting fashion. The author, having lived so close to the site had watched the people jump from the building and details it so vividly in the book. Every detail sticks with you.

There was one beautiful excerpt from the book, which I wish I had the printed copy of so I could give a direct quote, but two of the characters who are having an affair are talking about the house they are getting away to and he is describing it as a constant — one that will always be there and they will haunt it as memories or as ghosts. As lovers. Forever. It was such a shockingly vivid image, and with moving into my grandparents’ house this week, I was instantly in tears thinking of the two of them and their life together. Then I was thinking of my life together with Brian and how my grandmother always asked me about any fellows I was interested in. I was thinking about if I do have a wedding (which I’m actualy liking the idea of now) and how I would go and tell her all about it at the cemetary. And tears were now flowing as I drove down the highway all because of that image.

The Good Life is a story of quashed hope throughout. Any faint glimmer of perceived reality and hope and desire become mere memories.

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we’re in

Posted on July 24, 2006. Filed under: Family |

We’re in the new house — kind of. All of our stuff is there, but our lives aren’t quite there yet.

I woke up this morning after a restless night of trying to sleep while my mind was spinning with all of the things I have to do. To unpack. To find. For example, yesterday I packed my alarm clock and cell phone somewhere I’m sure was quite logical at the time and then promptly forgot.

I couldn’t find them for the rest of the day and was worried about the clock because I had to wake up at 6:24 this morning to get to work.

I finally found them — both in the same box and then called Brian to update him. While doing so, I proceeded to pour a pot of scalding hot water onto my hand (trying to make rice pasta for dinner at 10:30 at night). I shouldn’t have been allowed to be standing, let alone talking or cooking — definitely not trying to do them all at once.

Needless to say, I’m completely out of it today and my eyes, though open, are actually asleep.

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Posted on July 23, 2006. Filed under: Uncategorized |

I’m bored of moving already and we’re nowhere near done.

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