and so it is (the saga of the dyingness and candida plays on)
I met with the naturopath yesterday and, though traffic and frustration had reduced me to tears earlier in the evening, I was looking forward to going for a real appointment again (not just for a B12 shot). I’m feeling a lot better at least 70% of the time and I was starting to think that the dyingness (you can also read about the beginning of the dyingness) was getting better. My tongue was almost perfect yesterday, just a circular patch in the centre, but everything else was gone (at least for the time being) which does make me happy that I didn’t pay even a little bit of attention to the tongue idiot(s).
I asked about reintroducing things at some point, which she said may happen but that I’m not quite there yet (with this I agree) and she mentioned that now that the diet and osteopathy seems to be working that there are a few next steps. Leading up to the thought that this is also an emotional problem and until we deal with that I won’t be totally better. I partially buy into this, though I can’t think of what I should be dealing with the help “make the leap” to health. She kept asking questions and, though she was happy with my progress, she kept hinting towards the issue of if I was angry to be stuck with this thing.
I didn’t think I was saying or showing anything in my emotions in my replies.
She then said that she could see the emotion coming up and landing on my face each time we started to discuss the diet and so we had a series of other questions at which point I broke into tears and haven’t quite recovered even 24 hours later. The frustrating thing is also that I don’t think that there are any real answers to this…the questions went like this.
“Are you resentful that this has happened to you?”
“No. I mean, I was, but now it’s just there and it has to be dealt with. If I can’t eat certain things, I can’t eat certain things.”
“What would be the first thing you would eat if you could?”
Nothing came to mind. “Zoodles? Only because someone had them at work this week and I had completely forgotten about them. But, in reality there’s nothing I’m desperately wanting to reintroduce. It would just be nice to not have to plan everything ALL the time.”
Ah. Therein lies the true issue.
“Are you resentful that you have to plan this?”
“Yes.” I think more.”Yes. I’m frustrated at the overplanning of EVERYTHING! I have to plan lunch to take with me, plan dinners to take with me, plan where to eat out, plan to take food if I don’t know there will be any, Brian and I have to go get groceries way more than a normal couple dating would have to.”
“Are you angry?”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. I’m not angry, just frustrated. The other frustrating part is that I know there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s just how it is and that’s actually fine. I’m the sort of person who will just do what you have to do and get on with it.”
So, as the floodgates are pouring out I also somehow get into the conversation, though I’m not sure how the fact that I love being super busy. I realized after that I didn’t mention that I think I’m frustrated with this dyingness because if not for it I may be further on with my life (though I may not so that’s not fair). She thinks that the super busy part is the key.
Other people are super busy and don’t have this happen to them. I argue that super busy people don’t eat well perhaps and that may be why (I certainly didn’t). We then went along the traditional line of question about why you have to be super busy. One reason I know is that I get depressed if I’m bored. Not to say that I never have any downtime because I do, but I enjoy having a lot going on. Maybe it makes me feel useful, but it’s never been crazy excessive by any means, at least not by my standards.
I came home, still in tears and just really wanted to talk to my close friend and old housemate, who is WAY busier than I am! And that made me feel better. Now this whole question of emotional stuff I’ll have to deal with before I can get better is one I’ll have to work on accepting.
In the meantime, I have new liver pills to take. Apparently your liver is linked to your emotions and so it’s the next organ to logically flush toxins out of (apparently estrogen primarily) and to start feeling even better (though there may be an emotional roller coaster in the meantime — WHICH I’m already experiencing because of the whole visit. Don’t get me wrong, I trust and really like the naturopath a lot, it was just unsettling and unexpected.
She also mentioned that it is known that people with digestive problems have trouble digesting the world (this includes people with candida). Now I’ve always thought the world and I have gotten along pretty well, that we have some sort of good understanding of one another, but even simple food allergies are often triggered from trauma and emotional problems. So, I suppose that’s the next piece of the puzzle, which I did try to solve earlier, but I need convincing — anyone out there who can convince me that this emotional therapy leap or dealing with the triggers (if I can figure out what they are) is the way to go? and why? Have you been through something like this?