frenetic and absolutely out of it
I have been so all over the place all day. Frenetic, unable to focus, realizing that I put my hand to the side of my head to try to pull what I’m thinking of out. Just not able to put two and two together.
And it makes me frustrated. Frustrated to still be dealing with the dyingness and frustrated that it has taken me off course in the sense that I used to be able to focus all the time and to be productive and to have energy — to feel alive actually. I just don’t feel with it most of the time and I think I’m a bit jealous watching people who do. I know it could be a hell of a lot worse and it’s not some disease taking over my body, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get to be frustrated.
I saw the naturopath tonight and she called me on my crazy freneticness — said I was “hyper”. I think it’s from a lack of sleep the last few nights — and I was nervous a bit because I couldn’t think of any symptom or thing to say, other than the lack of focusing, which is why I couldn’t think of anything else.
I’m really quite okay, just annoyed. And doing stupid things like going to put cheese in the cupboard. But doing these things ALL day. I’m not on the ball and it’s annoying because until three years ago, I was THE MOST on the ball person.
I think 25 is too young to hit old age these days isn’t it?
Anyway, the naturopath gave me Digestive Enzymes to help me break down food, and said that I’ll have to be on L. Ascidophilis for life — that I can’t afford not to be. I got my shot full o’ b12, so that should help with focusing and energy.
I think I may hold back a bit of info with regards to how busy I am because I KNOW she’ll say I’m stressed and I’m not. I’ve always been supercrazybusy and I enjoy it. I just wish I was still on the ball to still be good at it. Even back in grade 13 I had 3 jobs and school. At Queen’s I always had a job and in 4th year I was the ads manager at the paper, managing editor of a publication, on another pub board, going to school, and having a life, oh, and applying to grad school. The year in Vancouver was not challenging and I was so bored because I had NOTHING else to do outside of school — it was the year that started the dyingness and then I’ve had a 2 year hiatus of feeling like death — no, wait, when I was back and working at the evil company I was also writing my thesis, producing a play, freelancing and working full time with a 3 hour a day commute. So now, with the volunteering with 4 organizations, doing a certificate at Ryerson and yoga — it just seems normal to me. AND I think I’ve come to the conclusion that I NEED these things in order to feel important. I don’t get stressed very often. When I do, I know I am and it’s really not a big deal, I just like to be busy and I know that if I mention it then she’ll think that it’s the cause of all of the dyingness — do you think it could be? I would only agree in the sense that when you’re super busy you don’t eat well necessarily or take care of yourself as well as you could, but now that I have no choice there should be some sort of balance right?
Anyway, I still am not focusing which is why this is all over the place. I just had the need to blurt it all out there somewhere.
Stupid dyingness. I just want my life back. I want me back.