damn, i’m turning into a girlfriend

Posted on May 17, 2006. Filed under: The boy(s) |

I’m not quite sure what happened, but I’ve turned into a girlfriend. I mean the former me wouldn’t have cared that Brian was staying in Arizona or that we only had 4 days together in a long span of time. I would have been all sarcastic and “whatever” about it. And it honestly would have been fine. So what the hell happened? I used to be a “do whatever you want to do, it doesn’t concern me” sort of person — but the problem now is that it DOES concern me. Damn, how the hell did I let that happen?

I find that with regards to the relationship, a lot of it has to do with the fact that I suck at phone conversations and end up saying crap or being girlfriendy to fill the lack of conversation or to avoid remembering details from my day (because really, the days aren’t jam packed full of excitement, and the thing is that I enjoy being in the same room as him when we don’t even have to speak, except you can’t do that on the phone because then it’s just silence and that’s no fun), but I used to be more laissez faire about so many things. Or, I would have more edge or at least a snyde comment or witty sarcastic remark or something. Perhaps life after university has made me brain dead? Drained?

I guess, perhaps I’m just getting old and am starting to lose the attitude I used to have a lot of — yes, quite a lot of as I keep having mini flash backs to my youth (or perhaps I’ve lost the energy, or have simply grown out of it). Which isn’t wholly a bad thing, it’s just an adjustment and I’m not sure how it happened.

Maybe being girlfriendy isn’t all bad, and Brian understands when he’s being boyfriendy, so maybe it’s just something that happens. I’ve spent to much time not paying attention to convention, or recognizing the conventions that I don’t want to be a part of (ie marriage), and everyone has always warned me that it would change; I’d grow out of it (damn, I would even consider marriage now — when did that happen!?!?). And I’d always, always fight to the death to prove them wrong, but, sadly I’ll have to admit that they are (partially) right. I’m more myself when I have something to resist, something to argue, something to fight against and I don’t have any conflict whatsoever at the moment… maybe I’m trying to create conflict? Wow look at this rambling — please don’t feel you have to read it… I just needed an outlet.

Something’s changed anyway — and it’s not just with the girlfriendiness, it’s with everything and everyone… well, pretty much. I guess I’ll go with the idea that I’ve grown out of it, and add on the idea that the fact that Brian and I started this relationship long distance probably didn’t help to reduce the tendency towards girlfriendiness, it probably increased it. I know that when he’s back here in the fall that I can revert back to normal at least a little bit. I really think that it’s the high-maintenance of always having to talk on the phone (even though we don’t HAVE to talk on the phone and I do really love it because right now it’s all we’ve got, so i’m going to take it) and the lack of face-to-face contact that is hurting, but I know we’ll manage and I know it could be worse and I know I should focus on the time we do have as opposed to the time we don’t, and I’ll be able to be more optimistic when he’s here. But you see, I always pick the contrary side — so some people i know who are always negative only know me as positive and vice versa… at least that hasn’t changed…yet! (ahhhh! what’s happening to me — I’m pretty sure the quarter life crisis is over — maybe this is just the aftermath. One of the tremors.

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